Some Unholy War
by LarkInDecember
Summary: Blaine joins the army, and Kurt is struggling with why. Can he really let the love of his life go?


So, this oneshot was commissioned by a friend of mine. The idea was her's, I just wrote it out.

The title is an Amy Winehouse song. And, I highly recommend that you listen to it while you're reading. It really drives home the effect.

**Warnings: **Angst. Major Angst. Implied Character Death.

**Pairings: **Klaine.

* * *

**Some Unholy War**

**by  
**

**_LarkInDecember_  
**

"Why, Blaine? What I don't understand is _why_?"  
We were standing in my dad's kitchen. I held the letter in my hand, the one with the military seal. It couldn't have weighed more than a feather, really, but somehow felt like a ton of bricks inside my fist. Why did he do this?

"You didn't even talk to me first!"

My boyfriend, correction, _fiancé_ was the target of my rage. He shrunk away from me with nothing but pure terror alight in his honey eyes. Yeah, he should be afraid of me.  
"You're going to _die_, Blaine. Do you even understand that? Do you even _comprehend_ what that means?"  
It just didn't make sense. None of this made any damn sense. Why did he do this?  
How did everything go from blissfully perfect to completely nightmarish in just a matter of minutes…?

****  
_ "Honey, I can't find my hairspray. Did I pack it in your bag by mistake?"_  
_ Blaine emerged from the bathroom adjourning to the bedroom. A soft white towel hung loosely from his waist and stray curls draped over his eyes. _  
_ Kurt bit his lip gently as he appraised the boy with the golden eyes. 'Dad is right downstairs, Kurt. Control yourself.'_  
_ "I don't know, probably. You were so scatterbrained before we left. I told you to give yourself at least a week to pack."_  
_ Kurt let out a sigh, his previous thoughts dissolving as the need to tame his wild morning hair returned._

_"I'll look anyway."_  
_Blaine shrugged as he turned back into the bathroom. "Go ahead, buttercup."_  
_ Kurt felt the corners of his mouth turn upwards as he picked up Blaine's black duffle bag and unzipped it. "We never agreed on that nickname!"_  
_ He pushed Blaine's clothes around expertly, digging through the muddle with a practiced hand. When he finally fixed his hair he'd have to remember to give Blaine a good scolding for this mess._

_"Did you find it?" Blaine called out over the sound of running water._  
_ Kurt's head shook as his fingers scraped the bottom. "No, but we're gonna have to have a serious talk about your organizational skills after I find my-"_  
_ Kurt's voice dropped mid-sentence as his palms found the flat, rough envelope lying under a copy of the Jazz Hands catalogue._

_He felt his brow quirk as he retrieved the object and read the return address._  
_ "Office of Recruitment- Tampa Base? What?"_  
_ He wouldn't have done this had it been anything else. He prided himself on respecting Blaine's privacy. Hell, he didn't even bat an eyelash when he found the confirmation for a subscription to 'Playgirl' hidden in his desk drawer. But this…this was just weird. Why would the Army be in contact with Blaine?_  
_ It was when Kurt read the first paragraph that he felt his heart drop into his stomach._  
_Everything kind of went dark after that._

_"Honey, are you okay?"_  
_ Kurt didn't acknowledge Blaine's question, he didn't even take a breath._  
_ He turned on his heel, marched up to his boyfriend and screamed. "What the hell is this?!"_

"I'm sorry, Kurt. I just-"  
I shook my head wildly. "Don't apologize to me. _EXPLAIN_ to me. Explain to me what made you make this ridiculous decision that you couldn't even find the decency to tell me about!"

That was when I realized that I wasn't angry. No, what I was feeling was hollow, and deep, and so damned heavy I almost couldn't breathe. This was fear. I'm afraid. I'm afraid for him.  
It was then that Dad came rushing into the room. Honestly I'm surprised he didn't come sooner. He had to hear me chasing Blaine down the stairs.

"What is going on in here?"

I felt a pang of guilt as I looked at him in his robe and heavy morning eyes.  
"Nothing, Dad. Go back to bed."  
His look went wide at my brash tone, but be pushed it aside. "No, this isn't nothing. You're louder than a Mustang without a muffler. What are you so mad about, Kurt?"  
I couldn't bring myself to repeat it. I handed my dad the envelope and fixed Blaine with an even harder stare than before.  
"Blaine joined the Army."

"What?!"  
I turned my head to see an awestruck Carole reading over dad's shoulder. I had to give her props for the silent entrance.  
"He reports to the Base in Tampa this Friday," Burt read in a voice that bled equal amounts of shock and confusion.  
I took a step towards him now. Suddenly I felt spent, like I'd been running ragged over hot coals for days.

"Just, tell me why? Please Blaine, I just need to know why?" My voice came out hushed. Not quite a whisper, but just barely audible. And somehow, I could hear my own heart breaking in its tone.  
He wasn't shrinking away from me now. He was standing to his full height, and looking at me with those pools of melting honey I'd always found solace in.  
"I need to do this, Kurt. For me."  
Suddenly I was just feeling desperate and I shook my head. "What?"  
Blaine huffed out a heavy breath before gingerly taking my hand.

"Kurt, I love you so much. You are everything to me. But, what I've realized in the last couple years is that I've haven't been doing enough with my life."  
I was as lost as ever. "I still don't understand."  
He went on. "I need to do something with my life where I can help people. And this is the most meaningful thing I can do. I can save lives, Kurt. And not just that, having an out and proud solider on duty will promote diversity and tolerance. I can do so much good with this."  
I shook my head again and let my hand drop from his. I couldn't deal with this.

"Saving lives, Blaine? You don't need to fly thousands of miles over the ocean to do that. YOU saved me. You save me _every_ day, just by being with me. That's not enough for you?"  
Blaine sucked in the tinniest breath imaginable before reaching for my hand again. "Kurt, that's not what I mean."  
I yanked my hand away and took a step back. The hurt in his eyes was so tangible, but I ignored it. I'm supposed to be the devastated one. Not him.  
"So, it's just that I'm not enough to keep you home?"

Blaine was jumping up then, reaching for me with a million reassurances ready to pass his lips.  
"No, that's not it at all, Kurt."  
'What is even happening here, Blaine?'

My feet pulled me further from his grasp. "No, Blaine. What you're telling me now is that I have to sit over here every day worrying that you're lying dead in some godforsaken dessert, or blown to bits because you stepped on a land mine. _ALL_ because you have a case of White Knight Syndrome and you wanna go off and save the world all of a sudden?" I could see Carole flinch in my periphery and realized that I must be yelling now.

I saw it then, the anger in Blaine's eyes. It was rare, like an orange moon, and seldom focused on me. But, now it was. And I was the instigator.  
His brows crossed as he looked at me. "This isn't just something I impulsively decided to do, Kurt. I thought about this a lot, okay? You found you're calling with Vogue. That's where you thrive. And, when I see how happy it makes you, I know that that's what you're meant to do. I've been looking for that, too. And now that I've finally found it you can't even support me?"

And now I was mad. I could feel the heat rise in my cheeks and the blood rushing through my ears. God, I had to be the most unflattering shade of scarlet by now. But, I couldn't stop it. So, I yelled.

"No, Blaine. I can't support this. Because _THIS_ is suicide. You're going to get killed!"  
"That's not the only thing that can happen to me over there, Kurt," Blaine fired back.  
I grabbed a fistful of my own hair and growled, not even giving a thought to how out of place it would be.

"Who are you fucking kidding, Blaine? Whatever happens to you over there certainly isn't going to be good. This isn't a fucking movie where you come out a hero and unscathed. This is real fucking life and if you go over there I am never going to see you again!"  
It took me a moment to realize the room had gone dead silent. I really couldn't hear over the sound of my heart beating at first. But, after a few seconds, I could see that dad and Carole we're completely paralyzed. And Blaine was looking at me with some kind of shocked awe.

I don't really know if it was the swearing, which I never did, or the outburst in general that did it. But, you could have heard a pin drop.  
One thing I knew for sure was that I was done. I was completely done now. I didn't want to talk anymore. I didn't want to fight anymore. I just wanted quiet.  
I took a much needed breath before stepping up to Blaine, close enough to kiss him in one swipe if I wanted. My eyes were level with his, regardless of the inches between us. I could smell the spearmint of his toothpaste, even taste it on my own tongue. And suddenly I was biting down the urge to cry.  
"I'm sorry you seem to be searching for this sense of purpose, Blaine. I'm even more sorry that I didn't know about it. But, I can't be okay with this."

I paused to let out a sigh.  
"I love you so much, Blaine. I don't think you even comprehend how much I love you. But, if you do this you are NOT going to come home. And I can't live in a world where you don't exist."

With one last long look, I stepped around him, past my dad and into the hall.

Blaine went back to New York the day after our fight. I guess he had things he still needed to finalize, and stuff that needed packed up. I really wouldn't know. I wasn't talking to him. Everything was secondhand.

Was it childish? Yeah, probably. But, I couldn't bring myself to speak to him. I couldn't even be in the same room as him really. Part of me wanted to scream at him till my throat was raw. And another part wanted to beg on my hands and knees until he agreed to stay. I couldn't even sort out my own thoughts I was such a mess.  
Thursday night I found myself lingering outside the shower. The water was running in a steamy jet as I stared absently down at my engagement ring. The band was white gold, simple. And when I took it off and looked inside I'd see the word 'Courage' engraved in French Script.

Before when I looked at it I felt butterflies, and I saw this bright, shimmery future ahead of me.  
But, my future seems to be melting away now. And I can't do anything to stop it.

My breath came out rough as I pulled off the ring and laid it on the sink. I gave myself a good shake before dropping the towel that hung around my hips and stepping into the shower.

I don't know how long I stood there, letting the brazen jet beat over my back. But, somewhere during that time I began to sob. Breathing was a struggle, and my whole frame shook.

My mind ran rampant as I cried. Nothing made sense anymore, nothing. I could hardly remember a time in my life that Blaine wasn't a part of. I can't go back to that. I won't.

I was seeing him in my mind, then. I was stopping him on the staircase at Dalton.

_'Excuse me. Hi. I'm new here; can I ask you a question?'_  
_ 'Sure. My names Blaine.'_  
_ 'Kurt.'_

Our first kiss.

_ 'Kurt, there's a moment when you say to yourself: Oh! There you are. I've been looking for you forever.'_

Our first time.

_ 'Are you sure?'_  
_ 'Yeah, I'm sure.'_

When he proposed.

_'Oh my God, Blaine…is that what I think it is?'_  
_ 'It is….please say yes, Kurt.'_  
_ 'Yes.'_

And then everything, my entire life with Blaine was ignited, and going up in flames. Just like that.  
"This can't be happening," I choked out.

"Shhh…" A voice was suddenly cooing by my ear.

I was jarred from my pool of remorse as I spun around, ready to eye gouge should it be needed.

I was expecting some knife wielding psycho, but instead what I found was Blaine, Bare and just inches from me.  
My lungs deflated quickly as I looked at him.  
"You came back."  
He nodded as water splatters attacked his skin. "I did….I'm so sorry, Kurt."  
I shook my neck, suddenly consumed by nothing but the need to hold him.  
"I'm not." I launched myself at him, locking my arms around him and pulled myself as close to him as possible. I didn't want any space between us.  
"I know you're leaving tomorrow. So, just stay with me until then. Please."  
His fingers pressed around my waist as he buried his head into the crook of my neck.  
"Of course."

The day he left was the worst of my life.  
We stood together by the platform. Blaine had on the dress greens, yet to have his hair buzzed, but he told me they'd do that once he got to Tampa.  
My dad and Carole were behind us, sitting patiently on one of the benches, giving us our space.

"Are you still mad at me, Kurt?"

I want to say yes. I want to scream at him until he found some damned sense. But, I found myself just shaking my head, instead  
"No. I'm not happy, but I know that for some reason that only you seem to understand you need to do this."  
I let my eyes drop, and my hand slid into his. I tied my fingers around his, memorizing the feel of them against mine.  
I sucked in a breath.

"But, more than anything…I'm scared, Blaine. I'm scared to death. And…I…I just don't know how to deal with that."  
The air between us was thick, and somehow quiet despite the bustle of the train station.

_'Why can't you just stay with me?_'

He inhaled quickly, before bringing our joined hands to eye level, and pressing them against his heart.  
"I promise you, Kurt, with everything I am, that I will come home to you. You mean everything to me. Everything."  
There was a sting behind my lids as I smiled sadly and shook my head. I willed myself to stay together. I couldn't fall apart here. Not yet. Not in front of him.  
"It doesn't work that way, Blaine."

He wanted to refute me; I could see the words forming on his lips. But, I pressed my finger to them. I can't let him make promises he can't keep.  
"Just…just swear to me, Blaine. Swear to me that you will do everything in your power to stay alive. Don't ever give up while you're over there. Just try to come home to me. Please."

His eyes went soft as he looked at me. He took my hand from his lips with his other and held tightly to it.  
"I will."

We both fell quiet then. I couldn't find any more words in me. My tongue felt like cotton in my mouth, and I was certain my knees were wobbling."  
"I have to go now, Kurt."

I nodded as I threw my arms around his neck.  
_ 'I can't believe I'm letting you go.'_

"I love you, Blaine. So damn much," I whispered into his ear.  
His arms were wound around me tight. "And I love you more than my own life, Kurt."  
My jaw tensed as I buried my face in the rough fabric over his shoulder.  
The whistle on the train was blowing when I finally let my arms go slack and stepped away from him.  
"This isn't the end, Kurt. I promise."  
All I could do was nod.

He looked at me once more, long and almost pained, before picking up the bag sitting by his feet and turning away.  
I let out a shuddering breath as I watch him. The tears were flowing like rivers now, and my face was probably all splotchy. But, it just didn't matter to me. It seemed like nothing would for a long time. My life, my other half, my everything was walking away from me now. And, this could be the last time I see ever see him.

Before I even knew what I was doing I was yelling. "Blaine!"

I broke into a run, taking after him with everything I had.

He'd barely turned around before I was on him. He stumbled back a step and his bag went skittering away.  
I was kissing him then, pressing my mouth to his in a desperate haze. I didn't care that we were in the middle of a busy train terminal. All that mattered was him.  
Blaine grabbed at my waist, kissing back fiercely as he did.

_'You're all that matters to me. You're everything.'_

I don't know how long we stood there, trading fierce kiss after fierce kiss, before we finally pulled back.  
His breathing was ragged as he looked at me. I could tell he wanted to say something, anything. But, he didn't need to. I already knew.  
"It's you, Blaine. It's always been you."  
And, for the first time since this whole thing started, Blaine cried. Not violent weeping like I had, but a small, round bead of moisture escaped from his eye and fell down his cheek.

He nodded at me, smiling the smallest of smiles before he pulled me into a final hug.  
Blaine left me then, he turned away and got onto the train like he was meant to.

I stood in that terminal for three hours, long after the steam from the engine disappeared over the trees and Blaine was miles away from me. Dad and Carole didn't do anything to persuade me out. They waited with me. And, when I finally could move, and we went home, it was dark.

I talked to Blaine a couple times a week the first month he was deployed, but as the days rolled by the calls become less and less frequent. Eventually, they just stopped coming all together.

The day the uniformed man brought the folded up flag to my door was the day I stopped living.

_'This isn't the end, Kurt. I promise.'_

* * *

_A/N: I originally wasn't intending to have Blaine die. My brain just really thought that that was how this needed to end. But, I hope I didn't bum you out too much. 3 ~Stephanie  
_


End file.
